Tuesday, June 29, 2010


The title of this blog is the Hindustani word for "words". I've come to realize that I pay very close, meticulous attention to words. Grammatically and psychologically. The combination of words with the thoughts that manifest them convey the feelings and inner workings of human beings. It's how we function. On a smaller scale though, when I speak, I follow the idiom, "Think before you speak" or, the more appropriate, "Choose your words carefully". I do this because I want my words to get across exactly what I want to say based fully on my thoughts, feelings, and the definitions of the various words I'm using. Despite all of this, I still find myself misunderstood. Not all the time of course or even most of the time, but in my romantic relationships, this tends to ring very true. I almost feel like my partners have tried to read my thoughts through my words and then respond to me based on this process. This is a mistake because I mean what I say the way I say it. I don't say things to allude to other things. I don't say things so that a conclusion may be drawn from what I say about what I say; I draw the conclusion. I do it because I want to assure the person whom I'm communicating with understands. To me, that's paramount because, as it stands, everyone has their own personalities and perspectives and everything we take in is going to have our own spin on it anyway because we are who we are, but how much more debilitating is it when the one avenue we have with set (for the most part) definitions with an understandable commonality gets severely altered? What happens then? Misunderstanding, discord, and ill-fated life decisions happen.

I do understand peoples' attachment to their emotions and their big inclination to use them when trying to understand what someone is saying. I understand it because I too have emotions and I understand that our emotions are at the core of our humanity and they're pretty much impossible to evade and fully impossible to null. However, in addition to the incredible human ability to empathize (that is, see where someone is coming from), there is the unsung, but inherent ability to not empathize. That is to say: not only stepping out of one's shoes into those of others, but taking off one's own "shoes" and not putting on anyone's. Standing "barefoot" in the neutral position of observation and wrapping those observations first in thought and then in emotional reaction. True, emotions cannot be escaped (as well they shouldn't) and even our attempted neutrality is flawed, but I don't think I'm alone in saying that our neutrality or basic, maybe scientific(?) "it is what is" way of viewing things is a lot more consistent than our emotions.

Thus, my fascination and dedication to words themselves can't ever be ignored. It gets worse though. Because, I feel that my words are direct and because of my relentlessness to make them any other way, those same words tend to spur the emotions of my partners way more than their intellect. [insert sigh of desperation] It gets even worse because when I do try to use my words to speak directly to emotion or affectionately, they go too directly because they're intense, affirming, and sincere. The proper (or at least expected) reaction to this a lot of love and plenty dedication from the person they're addressed to...because I guess either a lot of people don't speak directly or just not eloquently? What happens though, when the word is there, the definition behind it, but the emotion's way behind? It's there, but isn't in full manifestation. [insert second sigh of desperation]

I am more than fully aware of the fact that I do often come off as rude, mean and pretty much as jerk because of how I use my words, but I think what's interesting to note is, I truly hardly ever find myself in trouble because what I say, but how I say it. I feel like some people are searching for a deeper, cynical, or even sinister meaning behind what I say, but I swear my words are my thoughts. If I'm trying to say something a "certain way", I'll insert the appropriate adjective (my favorite
kind of words). So what's my solution?...kowtow to social linguistic adequacy (or lack thereof) or stay true to the thoughts and words?....

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