This sucks.

I don't want to go into the details of why this situation sucked initially because it's highly embarrassing and some day, I'd like to forget it. However, this situation still does suck and for a different reason. There's a boy that I love. The only boy I've ever truly loved. I know this because he's the only one I've ever "pined" for and didn't just "miss" or "want". He's the only one that's ever come close to meeting ideals I ever put forth for potential long-term guys. He's perfect to me. From his jet black hair to his little feet. I love him. Simply and purely.

I know, now, what it's like to love some one that you simply can't have. To be the guy in movies, standing outside in the rain with the bouquet of roses that seem like they've already started to wilt upon seeing the girl he loves with someone else. I wish I could be over him, but only so that I wouldn't have the feeling of missing something, but at the same time, I never want to *not* think of him.

"Mere jaise honge laakhon; koi bhi tujh saa nahi." There will be thousands like me; like you, there will be no other.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RVH4X92BE7k

Ma Yemayá

Oye, oye, oye, oye Ma Yemayá
Oye, oye, oye, oye Ma Yemayá
Oye, oye, oye, oye Ma Yemayá
Ay Virgencita de Regla
Oye Ma Yemayá
Ay Madre de todo' lo' mare'
Oye Ma Yemayá
Ay Mamá de Africa lejana
Oye Ma Yemayá
Que venga' a hacé mi trabajo
Oye Ma Yemayá
Que limpie' todo' lo' camino'
Oye Ma Yemayá
Ven protégeme con tu agua clara
Oye Ma Yemayá
Con dulce' melone' vengo yo
Oye Ma Yemayá
Pa' ofrecé con amó
Oye Ma Yemayá
Con Elegguá cuidandome el camino
Oye Ma Yemayá
Que venga' con mercede' te pido
Oye Ma Yemayá
Gracia' a Dió que lo' bendiga
Oye Ma Yemayá!

Shabdein

The title of this blog is the Hindustani word for "words". I've come to realize that I pay very close, meticulous attention to words. Grammatically and psychologically. The combination of words with the thoughts that manifest them convey the feelings and inner workings of human beings. It's how we function. On a smaller scale though, when I speak, I follow the idiom, "Think before you speak" or, the more appropriate, "Choose your words carefully". I do this because I want my words to get across exactly what I want to say based fully on my thoughts, feelings, and the definitions of the various words I'm using. Despite all of this, I still find myself misunderstood. Not all the time of course or even most of the time, but in my romantic relationships, this tends to ring very true. I almost feel like my partners have tried to read my thoughts through my words and then respond to me based on this process. This is a mistake because I mean what I say the way I say it. I don't say things to allude to other things. I don't say things so that a conclusion may be drawn from what I say about what I say; I draw the conclusion. I do it because I want to assure the person whom I'm communicating with understands. To me, that's paramount because, as it stands, everyone has their own personalities and perspectives and everything we take in is going to have our own spin on it anyway because we are who we are, but how much more debilitating is it when the one avenue we have with set (for the most part) definitions with an understandable commonality gets severely altered? What happens then? Misunderstanding, discord, and ill-fated life decisions happen.

I do understand peoples' attachment to their emotions and their big inclination to use them when trying to understand what someone is saying. I understand it because I too have emotions and I understand that our emotions are at the core of our humanity and they're pretty much impossible to evade and fully impossible to null. However, in addition to the incredible human ability to empathize (that is, see where someone is coming from), there is the unsung, but inherent ability to not empathize. That is to say: not only stepping out of one's shoes into those of others, but taking off one's own "shoes" and not putting on anyone's. Standing "barefoot" in the neutral position of observation and wrapping those observations first in thought and then in emotional reaction. True, emotions cannot be escaped (as well they shouldn't) and even our attempted neutrality is flawed, but I don't think I'm alone in saying that our neutrality or basic, maybe scientific(?) "it is what is" way of viewing things is a lot more consistent than our emotions.

Thus, my fascination and dedication to words themselves can't ever be ignored. It gets worse though. Because, I feel that my words are direct and because of my relentlessness to make them any other way, those same words tend to spur the emotions of my partners way more than their intellect. [insert sigh of desperation] It gets even worse because when I do try to use my words to speak directly to emotion or affectionately, they go too directly because they're intense, affirming, and sincere. The proper (or at least expected) reaction to this a lot of love and plenty dedication from the person they're addressed to...because I guess either a lot of people don't speak directly or just not eloquently? What happens though, when the word is there, the definition behind it, but the emotion's way behind? It's there, but isn't in full manifestation. [insert second sigh of desperation]

I am more than fully aware of the fact that I do often come off as rude, mean and pretty much as jerk because of how I use my words, but I think what's interesting to note is, I truly hardly ever find myself in trouble because what I say, but how I say it. I feel like some people are searching for a deeper, cynical, or even sinister meaning behind what I say, but I swear my words are my thoughts. If I'm trying to say something a "certain way", I'll insert the appropriate adjective (my favorite kind of words). So what's my solution?...kowtow to social linguistic adequacy (or lack thereof) or stay true to the thoughts and words?....

People.

People are so complex. Some of us are reclusive and just need to not be around others, some of us ask WAY too much of others and feel justified because they ask the same amount of themselves, others are comprehensive and sensible, but inherently wayward and lofty and some HAVE to lash out at others, learn their lesson, then make the humblest of apologies. Despite ALL of these differences and intricacies, I think it's important to realize that we are all people with real emotions and that we all have are reasons...just because YOU don't think much others' doesn't mean it's not worth hearing them out....we might actually learn something if we shut up for two seconds and step outside of our ego...but then, that may be asking too much.

I'll Take The One With The Earring And The Zebra Print Purse

It's been barely a month and I guarantee it's real. I know it's authentic. He's such an inspiration and a challenge. He shows me something new and teaches me something different every day. I, in my natural thirst for information, crave someone who has something to offer me intellectually and he does...in the most unique way possible. The way he loves me is different from any way I've ever been loved. I pray he sticks around for as long as his tolerance of me lasts....and then some. I don't want anybody else. He's enough and more.

I miss him so much.....
I love you, baby...earring and all.

Grow vs. Age

Want to know something true?...You start to "realize" yourself a lot more harshly once you've graduated high school. Before then, you're just so captivated by adulthood while relishing in youth that you don't readily connect yourself to aging. I mean, you're definitely well-aware of the fact that you're "growing" as it seems every birthday is a national holiday for you at that age, but aging is something that before you graduate high school (in my opinion) you really don't have a concept of. By "aging" I mean maturing, taking on responsibilities, gaining friends and associates, losing them, going through romantic relationships, dealing with money and all those other things that make adulthood so glamorous....it's all so distant before high school graduation. Two of my closest friends (Laura and Mateo respectively) are now expecting children. CHILDREN. Niños. Bacche. To me, that's just insane. Not the fact that they're both kind of young, but the fact that they're actually about starting families. And more than that, a new generation...from our generation. I don't know why that touches me so deeply; especially because I love kids so much and I'm constantly thinking about my own future children, but it just does. Either way, I'm making the conscious decision to embrace every ounce of this "aging" thing, while fondly cherishing my time of "growth" as much as my memory allows.

Sunshine

I was thinking yesterday: "What if the sun stopped shining?" What if humanity found a way to survive, but many of the earth's creatures and plants died and the face of the planet literally and completely changed. For me and I imagine for everyone else, it would be the single most frightening thing that's ever happened.

It may sound ridiculous or maybe juvenile, but I love nature and its all-powerful battery, the sun with all my heart

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